Key’s blog

Today: You know you've hit the peak of laziness when you are too lazy to even go get your nails done. Too lazy to get pampered! What a dork I am.

Song: I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love. You cut me open

I have been in a rut lately. A major rut. I have been unhappy most of the past month and that's not small, coming from a naturally happy & optimistic person like me. There are many things that I need to evaluate and change in my life. This just happened to coincide with my turning 30 recently but I still don't have a complex of being that age. That being said, I realized that I need to think about who I want to be, what kind of future I want to have. Things needed to change and today I have made one of those changes. After 7 years I am finally leaving this job. In recent years it has made me unhappy and bored. The atmosphere of the company has changed also and I am not the only one unhappy here now. I am not paid enough nor do I feel appreciated anymore. I spoke with my VP last Thursday to tell him I'm leaving. He offered me another position with more money but in incentives only, not raising my base salary. He kept pressing and I told him I'd think about it and I did. I decided to ask for a ridiculous raise (35%) and see what he said. I had nothing to lose anyways. At worst he could say no and I can leave which was my original plan anyways. Or he could say yes and I can tough it here for another year or so and at least make more money (to ease the suffering of working here!) and pump up the resume. He said no. So I am leaving. And I feel incredibly happy and free. Sure it's scary, stepping off a ledge with nothing to land on, but I'll be ok. At worst a lateral move would be fine too as long as I enjoy whatever it is I'm doing. I have done the math and I'll be good for 2 months without work so I'm off to relax and look for what makes me happy. My life starts today. Take a deep breath.

Oops, I meant to post this last Wednesday but Vox kept crapping out on me.

It's 4:30pm and I am no longer in a mood to work. I am also in no mood to think of what's been causing my recent moodiness because I cannot, for the life of me, figure it out. If you have to remind yourself that you're happy, you're not truly happy, right? I looked through some old entries to see how I was feeling on or around today's date in years back.

Tuesday, March 12, 2002

Ggangpae Girl

Today: Being called a cool monkey

Song: No matter what the ending, my life began with you

I watched "My Wife Is Gangster" last night. Yes, that's right. In the video, the title is translated as "My Wife Is Gangster" not "My Wife Is A Gangster". Gosh these Koreans. Anyways it was a very funny movie. Shin Eun Kyung was really good as the ggang pae girl. There is a surprise cameo in the movie too. I realized something while watching the movie. Sex scenes in Korean movies or dramas make me slightly uncomfortable. I am not used to seeing those kinds of things in Korean shows. I remember the first time I saw a sex scene in a Korean movie, it was in "Beat". My mouth dropped open, I'm sure. And I was watching the movie with my mom! Eek! And last night I was thinking, "Gee, Korean movies sure have changed." It is interesting to see how influential Western society has been to Korea. Not always sure if that is a good thing though.

At this rate, I am never going to get my second tattoo. Everytime I have money, it seems like I have to spend it on other stuff....like bills. Everyone is free to contribute to my "Key's Tattoo Fund". Haha~ Hmm..I should take pics of my present tattoo and post it up here. I just realized that I've never taken any pictures of it. And I've had it for 4 years. I think I will ask Peter to take some pics of it while he's down here during spring break. Yea!

Watch out Hendrix, here comes Key

Thursday, Mar. 20, 2003 - 2:11 PM

Today: My poor eyes have been glued to the monitor all morning

Song: I'm swinging around blindly cuz I don't know when you're gonna make your move

Ok I've decided. I'm gonna take up electric guitar.

After I've turned 25, I've been thinking more of marriage. It seems to be looming over my head, getting closer and closer. In all honesty, it sounds nice but I'm scared to death. How do you make a big decision like that? I have trouble deciding what to order at a restaurant. I suppose I'll know when I get there.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Another long update

Today: Orange marmalade is yummy!

Song: Trying to catch the deluge in a paper cup

Sorry for lack of updates. I've been 1) super busy and 2) not in much of a writing mood.
My friend L was laid off at the end of last month so I have taken on a lot of her work which
is the reason for me being super busy at work. Last week was the most stressing for me.
Funny since I don't really stress but I think that's what that feeling must have been.
Things have died down some and I've gotten somewhat used to the work.
I hate it when I don't know how to do something. It's going to take a lil time for me to
be able to do all this new work with my eyes closed. But then, where will the challenge be in that?
Then I suppose I'll want to learn something new and the whole cycle will begin again!

I've hung out with Flower Boy a few times already and while we do get along very well and we talk easily on the phone, after much thinking, I've realized that I cannot see myself with him romantically. From the start there was no spark for me so I guess that means something. But although I grew to like him as a person (and we do have that Korean oppa - dongseng thing that I like) I don't think I feel that "oomph" that I'm supposed to feel with a guy that I'm interested in. But then again I haven't been interested in anyone for so long, maybe I don't even know what that "oomph" is supposed to be! =D Another reason why I can't see myself with him as more than a friend and which has bothered me from the beginning is his height. Yes I'm shallow, not to mention incredibly picky, but yes his height, or lack thereof, really bothers me. Everyone always then points out the fact that I am vertically challenged myself but I have to constantly remind them that the height I prefer in my guys is irrelevant to my own!

The past weekend I went out for Yvonne's bf Eddie's bday. I was the only Korean there (I just realized that practically all my Korean friends are from church) and I was trying to imagine Flower Boy there and I couldn't. I think he's too Korean. He does speak English well, only with a slight accent, but he's so much more Korean. I've realized that I need someone exactly like me. Someone who can converse comfortably in both Korean and English (ok I admit, I would like my guy to speak better Korean than I) and who is totally at home hanging out with my non Korean friends or hanging out with, let's say, my family. It's more than the language, he would need to be comfortable with both cultures. It's hard to find someone like that. And I thought KA's like me were a dime a dozen.

I went to the dentist last week. It's been more years than I care to admit since my last visit. =P I went to get some scaling done. Boy, that hurt so much I was practically crying! While I was there the dentist told me that I need to get braces. I have a bit of an underbite and he said that if I don't get them corrected now, it will cause jaw problems as I get older. Great. Can you imagine me getting braces at this age? Even worse, I look young enough as it is, how much younger will I look with braces on? If I do get them though, it would have to be the ceramic ones because I am not walking around with a mouth full of metal. Downside, they cost about $3,800. Lovely.

Also saw The Passion during the past week. Twice. The first time you see it, you don't even have time to think. You're just bombarded with the gruesome images of Christ's suffering. Even after years of reading and being taught of Christ's crucifixion, actually seeing it hits home even more. Before seeing it the second time, I was hesitant about watching it again. I mean, it was a very well made movie but do you want to put yourself through that again? But I had promised my church friends that I would watch it with them (I had watched it the first time with my family) so I went. I'm actually glad that I watched it again because this time I was able to reflect on the different symbolic parts of the film (Although it didn't really happen, I loved the part where Jesus crushed the snake with his heel. Genesis 3:15 for those who don't know) and to really take in that He chose to go through all of that for me.

Another long winded entry. I will try to update more frequently from now on.

Friday, March 18, 2005

Another one bites the dust

Today: I have Friday-itis. Don't feel like working.

Song: Must I remind you, I'm only here to twist you

He said...

"ok, i wanted to get this out to you in person but i havent had a
chance and when the chance came, i chickened out. yep, you guessed
it. im interested in you. i know that its foolish to have feelings
for you because 1) nothing will ever materialize 2) you have a strict
"no-psychos" policy that could be exercised against me at the drop of
a dime 3) i stand to lose this wonderful friendship with you. but the
human heart is a funny thing, and i was in all types of agony last
night (which was pretty noticeable i guess) fighting internally over
whether or not i can just live with this feeling and not spill it all
out to you. i know im totally shooting myself in the foot, but i cant
help myself but to like you. i should be content with our friendship
as it is. what kills me is being nothing more than your carson when
what i really want is for you to see me as someone else.

aight. thats it. do with me what you must."

I believe the first words out of my mouth when I read that was, "Oh sh!t".
But I was an adult for once. Normally in these types of situations, I run away. That was my first instinct here too. There was also some anger. Why must guys risk ruining a friendship, especially when they know there's no chance of anything else? But a part of me couldn't just drop him. Not him anyways because he had become a good friend. So I decided to stick it out.

But...

Me sticking around turned out to be not so good for him. He got too comfortable with his feelings and seemed to feel too free in sharing what's in his heart. Plus, still talking to me only seemed to make him fall even deeper. We had already decided on no phone calls and definitely no meeting on our own. Since we have mutual friends, group encounters of course cannot be avoided. But we still kept up with our daily email barrages and he got into the habit of coming online to chat with me during the day. This had to stop. It definitely could not have been helping him get over me, get over this situation.

So I let him know that I think we needed to break all contact. Just for the time being. For a few weeks at least until Yvonne's birthday in April when we will inevitably see each other. I figured the whole out of sight, out of mind theory could be applied here. And I did it partly for me also. I know myself and him constantly bringing up his feelings for me will only annoy me and make me resent him. And once that happened I would lose all respect for him and finally just dislike him altogether. I did not want that to happen with him. Perhaps I'm getting soft in my old age. Where is the cold hearted b!tch that I used to be? =)

I don't think he took it too well but what can I do now. I honestly did this in an attmept to maintain our friendship in the long run.

We'll see what happens in a month.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Fun conversations with Davey

Today: My uncle and I finished a bottle of Johnny Gold last night. Alkees!

Song: this is mine you can't take it

Funny things that Dave said today:

Dave (12:16:29 PM): haha
Dave (12:16:37 PM): man this is turning into an anti-sausage fest
Dave (12:16:39 PM): I like it

Dave (12:32:36 PM): I won't need to exercise that weekend based on how tired I'll be with you here
Dave (12:32:39 PM): wait
Dave (12:32:41 PM): that sounds wrong

Dave (12:51:23 PM): sometimes I like it just alone

=You =Crack =Me =Up!!

3 times I tried to type out the word "history" and all 3 times my fingers spelled out "shit". I must be trying to tell myself something.

Hilarious junk mail I received today at work.

Help

Today: I *heart* cola gummies

So I've been in this funk for the past couple of weeks and I can't seem to shake it. I've been super moody, getting annoyed at little things, getting overly emotional at stupid sappy things. And I don't feel that I am my normal happy self. And it's not PMS. I've attributed it to the fact that the boy has been holding out on me for 2 weeks, (16 days exactly, but who's counting right? =P Chinh, I don't know how you are dealing with months of no action.) but I don't think lack of sex would affect me like this. My friend asked me if my biological clock is ticking. Is that what it is?? Does it make you all crazy and hormonal? I hate feeling like this and I'm hoping doing the deed will set me right again but what if it doesn't? I feel that the boy is getting the brunt of this and I don't know if it is because of the lack of sex or if I have another deeper rooted issue with him that I don't even know about. I feel like I need change or something different in my life. Which is why I impulsively went to the salon yesterday and got bangs. I don't love them right now cuz they're a little short but they'll get better.

I hate feeling like this.

*Edit: Oops, I forgot to mention that he's been worried/stressed cuz he's making a career change which involves him leaving his current job and making a pretty big investment in something entirely different. Worry/stress = no nookie for me. I know, I should be more understanding gf and less selfish bitch. =P

Today: vertigo-ish

Song: He's the time taken up, but there's never enough, and he's all that I need to fall into

We went to Salt Lake City, Utah for snowboarding from 02/14 - 02/20. It was definitely one of the most beautiful places I've ever been to. The boy was so proud of me because he only expected me to ride maybe 1-2 days but I went all 4 days with them. I suck and fell A LOT and am still a little sore today but I kept up! Thanks to the boy for getting me my own gear & clothes. On one of the days, he got me a child's lift ticket and it worked. Look at the pics and you won't be surprised. I was 12 for that day.

The house we rented was filled with 19 people and some became great friends. I had a lot of fun and we are already talking about making this a yearly trip. Hopefully I'll become as good as them and be able to make the crazy runs they do.

We arrived there on Valentine's Day and while I was unpacking our stuff I found my present in one of the dresser drawers. He had gotten me a pink DS Lite! I had originally wanted the red one (after seeing Winnie's a while back =D) but it was sold out everywhere so he went with the pink. Funny thing about this is that my brother had gotten me the same exact thing for my birthday a few days earlier. I told Yvonne about it as soon as I got it from my brother and she informed me that the boy had been going crazy for the past few weeks trying to get the DS and he had finally got it. So when I got the boy's DS, I didn't open it in front of him and hid it in Yvonne's suitcase. Later on, I brought out my brother's DS and pretended that was the one from the boy. I'll return the boy's DS and get some games with it instead. =P

 *edit: Don't worry, I'm not a totally spoiled brat. I did get the boy an early V-day present about a month ago. It turned out to be an electronic V-day for us this year. I got him the PS3.

Today: Facebooking

Song: Friday I'm in love

Who watched Lost last night?! Dave wouldn't let me talk about it because he hasn't watched it yet. =P

I'm glad they did the recap cuz after all these Lost-less months, I've forgotten quite a lot! Jen and I spent the commercial breaks texting each other about the show. After watching TV shows on DVD's and Tivo, my patience for commercials has disappeared.

Btw, if Lost is on Thursdays on 9pm now, when is Grey's on? Anyone know what's going on?

We'll be having a Superbowl party at the boy's house. I don't even follow football but any excuse for friends to get together for food and drink is fine by me! Good thing both of us love to entertain and have lots of people over. I talk as if it is my house too. Ha! But hey, I treat it like my own because I'm always there early cooking and leave late after cleaning up. I like being a hostess. So our Superbowl menu is as follows:

The boy's - pulled pork, ribs, hot dogs, grilled zucchini (this one is my request but he's the grill master)

Mine - homemade guacamole, salsa & chips, spinach & cheese calzones (for our vegetarian friends), maybe bruschetta if I have time.

We'll also have homemade cookies & cream ice cream cuz the boy has an ice cream making attachment for the stand mixer. We both love our Kitchen Aids!

Have a happy Superbowl weekend!

Funny-pictures-i-ate-santa

Merry Christmas everyone!

Holy crap funny!!! I watched it like 5 times in a row the first time I saw this.

Make sure to have the sound on. It just adds to the hilarity.

I've been absent from Vox (and Flickr, Facebook, etc. Honestly, why do we kill ourselves with so many things to update?) for quite a while now. I realized how much when I tried to catch up on all my friends' posts and had to go back nearly 40 pages! I don't think I can read everything. I don't even remember what my last entry was. It's way after midnight but I can't fall asleep so I might as well put this time into good blogging use.

Early November I took my annual trip to Korea with brother and uncle. It was 10 days of eating, drinking & sleeping. Lather, rinse, repeat. I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I had only gained 2lbs during that time. Has God decided to bless me with my metabolism from my teens?

Thanksgiving was the usual except this year I brined my turkey for the first time and I wonder why I never tried it out before. I used Alton Brown's recipe and the only negative was totally my fault. I kept cooking it even after it reached the ideal temperature because it wasn't quite dinner time yet.

Right after Turkey Day, on November 27th, my father had a stroke. Luckily it wasn't a big stroke where he passed out from it. Rather, he started feeling dizzy, weakness in his right side and slurred speech which led him to call 911 and get to the hospital right away. To make a long story short, it turned out that he has arrhythmia so he had a pacemaker put in, which led to a complication, that led the first hospital to transfer him to one that specialized in cardiology. The first hospital told us he had an infection but I can't quite trust them because it is a small, ghetto hospital. The bf has offered to have my dad's files from the hospital looked at by some of his colleagues and connections. Note to self, I need to contact the 1st hospital for his records.

By the way, hospital #1 is Flushing Hospital. I advise everyone I know to never go there. I didn't approve of my dad going there in the first place but I was not around at the time the decision was made. Hospital #2 is Lenox Hill which is a gajillion times better, newer, cleaner.

Anyways after the infection/complication that took him to the ICU for a few days, he had a second operation to correct what had happened; one of the leads of the pacemaker had made a small puncture in his heart and the area around his heart had filled up with fluid. The repositioning of the leads worked well and the puncture closed up on its own. If it hadn't the next step would have been to have actual heart surgery (with opening up the rib cage) and go in and repair the hole manually.

A few days after the surgery, we were told he had pneumonia. By this time I was already so exhausted that as soon as I heard it, I just got really pissed. It felt like there was constantly one thing after the other. Luckily it turned out to be a mild case and he only had to be on antibiotics for a week.

My father was discharged on Monday December 10th, after being in the hospital for 2 weeks. My awesome bf took the day off from work and helped me bring him home. He was also in and out of the hospital to see my father during those 2 weeks. Thank God for small blessings.

Needless to say, I have not really been at work and my brother and I have taken turns being at the hospital with my dad. After his discharge, I have still been home, other than going to the office for a few hours in the mornings, to take care of him. At this point, he is walking fine but his right hand is pretty useless and his speech is still a bit slurred although it has improved a lot since the stroke. On top of that he is still weak from the 2 surgeries but he is in good shape. He will need occupational therapy for the hand and speech therapy. His diet has been modified to a low sodium & low fat one and we have him on a lot of veggies, fruits, oatmeals, brown rice & fish.

Speaking of one thing happening after the other, the morning after my dad got home, I woke up with vertigo. It lasted about an hour, on and off, but stopped. Thursday it was pretty much all day accompanied by nausea from all the room spinning, which led me to go to the doctor. He wrote it off as stress related after hearing about my past 2 weeks. Friday it still persisted so the bf insisted I call my doctor again. I did and he referred me to an ear, nose & throat guy for later that day. The bf left the office and took me to the doctor. The ENT doc says I have this. Fun! It will take a few weeks to go away! And if you've had it once, it will most likely happen again! Boo hoo, poor me. But seriously, I think it is getting better already which I'm extremely relieved about. Not being allowed to drive is a real pain in the ass though. And because I'm incapacitated but not in pain, I feel kind of stupid. Linda, didn't you have vertigo a few months ago? Whatever happened with that?

It has been exhausting and draining; physically, mentally, emotionally. There were days when I thought the worst. I'm good at imagining "what if" scenarios and thoughts of maybe not having my dad around for future milestones (my wedding, my kids, etc) took a hold of me a few times. Plus there were times, like right after the surgeries when he was so out of it and weak that it was really hard to look at him. I suppose it's never easy to see your parent in such a helpless state. Maybe more so when it is your father, who, to a daughter is the first strong male figure in her life.

In the middle of all this, the bf has been awesome and there has been progress in the relationship and something to do with the L word, but that's a whole other story and needs an entry of its own.

Sorry for the long ass entry. I'm back.