2 posts tagged “me”
Today: You know you've hit the peak of laziness when you are too lazy to even go get your nails done. Too lazy to get pampered! What a dork I am.
Song: I keep bleeding, keep, keep bleeding love. You cut me open
I have been in a rut lately. A major rut. I have been unhappy most of the past month and that's not small, coming from a naturally happy & optimistic person like me. There are many things that I need to evaluate and change in my life. This just happened to coincide with my turning 30 recently but I still don't have a complex of being that age. That being said, I realized that I need to think about who I want to be, what kind of future I want to have. Things needed to change and today I have made one of those changes. After 7 years I am finally leaving this job. In recent years it has made me unhappy and bored. The atmosphere of the company has changed also and I am not the only one unhappy here now. I am not paid enough nor do I feel appreciated anymore. I spoke with my VP last Thursday to tell him I'm leaving. He offered me another position with more money but in incentives only, not raising my base salary. He kept pressing and I told him I'd think about it and I did. I decided to ask for a ridiculous raise (35%) and see what he said. I had nothing to lose anyways. At worst he could say no and I can leave which was my original plan anyways. Or he could say yes and I can tough it here for another year or so and at least make more money (to ease the suffering of working here!) and pump up the resume. He said no. So I am leaving. And I feel incredibly happy and free. Sure it's scary, stepping off a ledge with nothing to land on, but I'll be ok. At worst a lateral move would be fine too as long as I enjoy whatever it is I'm doing. I have done the math and I'll be good for 2 months without work so I'm off to relax and look for what makes me happy. My life starts today. Take a deep breath.
Oops, I meant to post this last Wednesday but Vox kept crapping out on me.
It's 4:30pm and I am no longer in a mood to work. I am also in no mood to think of what's been causing my recent moodiness because I cannot, for the life of me, figure it out. If you have to remind yourself that you're happy, you're not truly happy, right? I looked through some old entries to see how I was feeling on or around today's date in years back.
Tuesday, March 12, 2002
Today: Being called a cool monkey
Song: No matter what the ending, my life began with you
I watched "My Wife Is Gangster" last night. Yes, that's right. In the video, the title is translated as "My Wife Is Gangster" not "My Wife Is A Gangster". Gosh these Koreans. Anyways it was a very funny movie. Shin Eun Kyung was really good as the ggang pae girl. There is a surprise cameo in the movie too. I realized something while watching the movie. Sex scenes in Korean movies or dramas make me slightly uncomfortable. I am not used to seeing those kinds of things in Korean shows. I remember the first time I saw a sex scene in a Korean movie, it was in "Beat". My mouth dropped open, I'm sure. And I was watching the movie with my mom! Eek! And last night I was thinking, "Gee, Korean movies sure have changed." It is interesting to see how influential Western society has been to Korea. Not always sure if that is a good thing though.
At this rate, I am never going to get my second tattoo. Everytime I have money, it seems like I have to spend it on other stuff....like bills. Everyone is free to contribute to my "Key's Tattoo Fund". Haha~ Hmm..I should take pics of my present tattoo and post it up here. I just realized that I've never taken any pictures of it. And I've had it for 4 years. I think I will ask Peter to take some pics of it while he's down here during spring break. Yea!
Watch out Hendrix, here comes Key
Thursday, Mar. 20, 2003 - 2:11 PM
Today: My poor eyes have been glued to the monitor all morning
Song: I'm swinging around blindly cuz I don't know when you're gonna make your move
Ok I've decided. I'm gonna take up electric guitar.
After I've turned 25, I've been thinking more of marriage. It seems to be looming over my head, getting closer and closer. In all honesty, it sounds nice but I'm scared to death. How do you make a big decision like that? I have trouble deciding what to order at a restaurant. I suppose I'll know when I get there.
Thursday, March 11, 2004
Today: Orange marmalade is yummy!
Song: Trying to catch the deluge in a paper cup
Sorry for lack of updates. I've been 1) super busy and 2) not in much of a writing mood.
My friend L was laid off at the end of last month so I have taken on a lot of her work which
is the reason for me being super busy at work. Last week was the most stressing for me.
Funny since I don't really stress but I think that's what that feeling must have been.
Things have died down some and I've gotten somewhat used to the work.
I hate it when I don't know how to do something. It's going to take a lil time for me to
be able to do all this new work with my eyes closed. But then, where will the challenge be in that?
Then I suppose I'll want to learn something new and the whole cycle will begin again!
I've hung out with Flower Boy a few times already and while we do get along very well and we talk easily on the phone, after much thinking, I've realized that I cannot see myself with him romantically. From the start there was no spark for me so I guess that means something. But although I grew to like him as a person (and we do have that Korean oppa - dongseng thing that I like) I don't think I feel that "oomph" that I'm supposed to feel with a guy that I'm interested in. But then again I haven't been interested in anyone for so long, maybe I don't even know what that "oomph" is supposed to be! =D Another reason why I can't see myself with him as more than a friend and which has bothered me from the beginning is his height. Yes I'm shallow, not to mention incredibly picky, but yes his height, or lack thereof, really bothers me. Everyone always then points out the fact that I am vertically challenged myself but I have to constantly remind them that the height I prefer in my guys is irrelevant to my own!
The past weekend I went out for Yvonne's bf Eddie's bday. I was the only Korean there (I just realized that practically all my Korean friends are from church) and I was trying to imagine Flower Boy there and I couldn't. I think he's too Korean. He does speak English well, only with a slight accent, but he's so much more Korean. I've realized that I need someone exactly like me. Someone who can converse comfortably in both Korean and English (ok I admit, I would like my guy to speak better Korean than I) and who is totally at home hanging out with my non Korean friends or hanging out with, let's say, my family. It's more than the language, he would need to be comfortable with both cultures. It's hard to find someone like that. And I thought KA's like me were a dime a dozen.
I went to the dentist last week. It's been more years than I care to admit since my last visit. =P I went to get some scaling done. Boy, that hurt so much I was practically crying! While I was there the dentist told me that I need to get braces. I have a bit of an underbite and he said that if I don't get them corrected now, it will cause jaw problems as I get older. Great. Can you imagine me getting braces at this age? Even worse, I look young enough as it is, how much younger will I look with braces on? If I do get them though, it would have to be the ceramic ones because I am not walking around with a mouth full of metal. Downside, they cost about $3,800. Lovely.
Also saw The Passion during the past week. Twice. The first time you see it, you don't even have time to think. You're just bombarded with the gruesome images of Christ's suffering. Even after years of reading and being taught of Christ's crucifixion, actually seeing it hits home even more. Before seeing it the second time, I was hesitant about watching it again. I mean, it was a very well made movie but do you want to put yourself through that again? But I had promised my church friends that I would watch it with them (I had watched it the first time with my family) so I went. I'm actually glad that I watched it again because this time I was able to reflect on the different symbolic parts of the film (Although it didn't really happen, I loved the part where Jesus crushed the snake with his heel. Genesis 3:15 for those who don't know) and to really take in that He chose to go through all of that for me.
Another long winded entry. I will try to update more frequently from now on.
Friday, March 18, 2005
Today: I have Friday-itis. Don't feel like working.
Song: Must I remind you, I'm only here to twist you
He said...
"ok, i wanted to get this out to you in person but i havent had a
chance and when the chance came, i chickened out. yep, you guessed
it. im interested in you. i know that its foolish to have feelings
for you because 1) nothing will ever materialize 2) you have a strict
"no-psychos" policy that could be exercised against me at the drop of
a dime 3) i stand to lose this wonderful friendship with you. but the
human heart is a funny thing, and i was in all types of agony last
night (which was pretty noticeable i guess) fighting internally over
whether or not i can just live with this feeling and not spill it all
out to you. i know im totally shooting myself in the foot, but i cant
help myself but to like you. i should be content with our friendship
as it is. what kills me is being nothing more than your carson when
what i really want is for you to see me as someone else.
aight. thats it. do with me what you must."
I believe the first words out of my mouth when I read that was, "Oh sh!t".
But I was an adult for once. Normally in these types of situations, I run away. That was my first instinct here too. There was also some anger. Why must guys risk ruining a friendship, especially when they know there's no chance of anything else? But a part of me couldn't just drop him. Not him anyways because he had become a good friend. So I decided to stick it out.
But...
Me sticking around turned out to be not so good for him. He got too comfortable with his feelings and seemed to feel too free in sharing what's in his heart. Plus, still talking to me only seemed to make him fall even deeper. We had already decided on no phone calls and definitely no meeting on our own. Since we have mutual friends, group encounters of course cannot be avoided. But we still kept up with our daily email barrages and he got into the habit of coming online to chat with me during the day. This had to stop. It definitely could not have been helping him get over me, get over this situation.
So I let him know that I think we needed to break all contact. Just for the time being. For a few weeks at least until Yvonne's birthday in April when we will inevitably see each other. I figured the whole out of sight, out of mind theory could be applied here. And I did it partly for me also. I know myself and him constantly bringing up his feelings for me will only annoy me and make me resent him. And once that happened I would lose all respect for him and finally just dislike him altogether. I did not want that to happen with him. Perhaps I'm getting soft in my old age. Where is the cold hearted b!tch that I used to be? =)
I don't think he took it too well but what can I do now. I honestly did this in an attmept to maintain our friendship in the long run.
We'll see what happens in a month.
Monday, March 20, 2006
Today: My uncle and I finished a bottle of Johnny Gold last night. Alkees!
Song: this is mine you can't take it
Funny things that Dave said today:
Dave (12:16:29 PM): haha
Dave (12:16:37 PM): man this is turning into an anti-sausage fest
Dave (12:16:39 PM): I like it
Dave (12:32:36 PM): I won't need to exercise that weekend based on how tired I'll be with you here
Dave (12:32:39 PM): wait
Dave (12:32:41 PM): that sounds wrong
Dave (12:51:23 PM): sometimes I like it just alone
=You =Crack =Me =Up!!
